There is something depressing about returning to the ballet world, knowing I will not and cannot be competitive in it any longer.  I tried to convince myself that the love of the art was enough reason to continue it, but it was damaging to my inner child so (for now) I am only conducting informal, in house classes for myself when I have the time (never).

Also, I have been struggling with some old lower back issues compounded by the repetitive lifting of a 20lbs baby.  So, I needed to find a fun and engaging activity that would encourage my fitness level and keep me flexible.  Luckily, living in a more city-like setting has it's perks. 

I have been interested in pole dancing for a while.  I saw a Youtube video of a girl called the "Vertical Ballerina" and I loved her grace and beauty and how she made pole dancing seem sleek and demure.

Google "pole dancing fitness in Fort Worth, TX" and there are a lot of hits!  So, I had my first class recently and it was great - I love it!  I am pretty aggressive with myself so I, of course, overdid and ended up with some ugly bruises on my wrists and upper arms, but it definitely fulfills all my requirements for fun and fitness.

Ladies - if you're looking for a fun way to stay in shape and feel good about yourself as a woman, you may want to give it a try -- all fitness levels are welcome in these classes.  Just be sure you choose a studio that has an experienced instructor who knows what she is doing.  Eventually, you can do inverts (upside down tricks!) and those are dangerous enough without an instructor who doesn't know what she is doing! 

1. Die tomorrow or live forever?

2. Never drive again or never walk again?

3. Work the night shift or work the weekend?

4. Never have sex again or only be allowed to sleep with your ex?

5. Wear a bathing suit to work or a banana suit?

6. Have a sore throat or a stuffed nose?

7. Live in Deleware or Idaho?

8. Be related to the Kardashians or the Hiltons?

9. Your lover never shaved or never bathed?

10. Polar bears go extinct or Siberian Tigers?

I've tried being healthy, I've tried being nice. 

I've tried getting lucky with Las Vegas dice.

This year will be different.  I keep saying that.

With a nod and a wink and an atta-boy pat.

But now I am finished with the good karma waltz.

And trying to fix the world's obvious faults.

Better to join 'em when you can't beat 'em they say.

That is the good ol' American way.

And I think they're on to something that's grand.

A "@!$%# you" is easier than lending a hand.

So here's to a new year that's all about me.

The army's for being all you can be.

I just wanna laugh and have fun.

Live and take and play with my son.

The Selfish people I know are happy and free.

Think I can't do it?  I guess we'll see.

Me. me. me. me. me. me. me.

Sometimes you can just feel that a memory is being made as you experience it.  This morning, mama was up before baby!  I felt as excited for Christmas as when I was little and anticipating the newest Barbie mobile.

It was a delight to see him ripping up paper and interesting in what was underneath (okay, more interested in the paper than the toys at this point).

Funny how things have changed.  My parents made childhood magical and fun.  Now I get to return the favor via my son.  However, I cannot shake the feeling that he needs a sibling.  I mean, my favorite Christmas memories involve my older brother.  He was and is such a sweetheart - his focus was always to make it special for me. I think I have birthed a son who is as gentle and thoughtful.  Or, at least, I hope I have.

Am I an adult now?  I feel like a real grown-up. Playing Santa. 

It's terrible to wish time to go by faster than it does so I won't.  Nevertheless, I am very excited for the Christmas' of the future when Leo actually knows what to expect and can wake me up at the crack of dawn!

Next up, my favorite day of the year.......New Years!  Welcome, 2012!

One universal feeling that lends itself to depression, anxiety, and a host of bad habits is Boredom.  Being bored makes you feel all kinds of terrible things.  It gives you too much time to think and thinking can lead people down pretty dark roads.

Don't get me wrong, learning is great.  But thinking about nothing in particular...especially when it's induced by nothing better to do is a recipe for pain, my friends.

This is just one reason that I love holidays.  Any holiday really.  I celebrate them all.  I invent reasons to celebrate holidays. 

Holidays are pre-made meaning for life.  Meaning - what you need to think about it already decided for you.  But, you're allowed to inject your own creativity by inventing traditions and developing sentimental attachments to certain rituals.  The more traditions, the more dramatic the feeling of euphoria as the holiday approaches.

The BIG holidays are fun because they have the most impact and bang for their buck.  The momentum builds into a flurry of excitement and anticipation.  Most Christians and secular celebrators find this in the Holy Grail of holidays - Christmas.

But tiny, otherwise insignificant holidays are also fun to inject happiness into an ordinary and mundane day.  For example, National Doughnut Day (the 1st Friday of June each year) is a great day to bring in doughnuts to work and surprise everyone with some trivia (the day was created by the Salvation Army in 1938 to honor the women who served doughnuts to soldiers during WWI).

C'mon, let's celebrate!

Do you guys say "howdy"?

Anyway, my name is Heather.  I was born in NYC and raised in New Jersey and am a liberal through and through.  I hope you won't hold that against me.  I'm a fast talker and I love to see how much I can get done in a day so those mid-West minutes may get me irritable.

But I am nice to everyone I meet and I believe in second chances for everyone as well so maybe that will fit in with your Southern hospitality.

I'm trying not to worry that the god awful president you created and the god awful excuse for a presidential candidate you're trying to give US is a reflection of the average Texan.

I even cheered for the Cowboys over Thanksgiving! 

Anyway, my husband and I have a 6 month old son who will attend your public schools and we cannot wait to start putting down our roots here.

I cannot speak for my husband (because we're barely speaking) but, Texas, I'm glad to be here and I left the North with strict instructions from my friends to give you Hell! ;-)

We'll get along great!

"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities." - Jean Houston

Laughter really can be the best medicine.  Especially if the sickness is taking yourself too seriously.  Not all of us can tell a good joke and not all of us can appreciate a good joke.  The concept is subjective.  But we've all found something hilarious.  We've all shared an inside joke with a friend.

Humor is a way to open someone's heart to new ideas.  Many comedians have utilized laughter to get people to see the ridiculousness of politics, war, fighting, relationships, and anger.  We laugh because we can relate.  And when we laugh, we don't take ourselves so seriously.  And, for a moment, we're more open to different ideas and more accepting of different ideas.  Alas, it only lasts a second, but it's worth it!

And that is why comedians and humor and laughter are around to stay.  Thank goodness!

There are many health benefits to laughter.  Something about the release of certain chemicals in the brain.  However, what more do you need to know than it feels great?

Laughter is universal.  Even babies laugh. 

So the next time a friend calls you with a problem or heavy heart, invite them over for a cup of tea (or Long Island Iced Tea!) and pop in a stand-up routine.  Even if they're not very good.  That is a joke all in itself.

Laugh on, my friends.  Laugh on...

This past Christmas, I was unwrapping an ornament my mother passed on to me and I realized it was wrapped in a newspaper from 1986 which included an advertisement for a cell phone that was $700 and the size of a loaf of bread.  It was hilarious and intriguing and I love time capsules!

Now that my little stinker is almost here, I can think about creating a time capsule for him and that makes me happy!  I have decided that I will take my time to gather some items (not too many, he may end up being a big jerk and never even open it or lose it, who knows - and I don't want to have to lug around a big box) and have his first birthday be when I seal it.  This way, I can include some sentimental letters from people like his great grandmother and his grandmother in Russia who is in failing health.

It will be a 21st birthday time capsule and I want it to provide a sentimental and laughter-inducing reaction.  Therefore, aside from letters and photos and my favorite baby outfit for him - I will include practical and interesting things:

1) a newspaper

2) a gossip magazine

3) one of those real estate mags that has photos and prices of houses

4) a receipt from a recent grocery shopping trip (that should be funny to look back on in 20 years!)

5) a photo from the local gas station showing prices

6) a postage stamp

7) a TV guide listing

But there will also be a few things for laughs and entertainment value on his 21st birthday:

1) a Playboy from the month of his birthday (let's see how much different the standard of beauty is in 20 years!)

2) an outfit for him to wear on his 21st b-day (with the receipt - go ahead and try to exchange it if it doesn't fit) - probably a "cool" t-shirt and some shorts

3) the information to the savings account I took out for him before he was born

4) a small, but popular toy from today

5) a sports illustrated

6) a Twinkie

Have any more ideas about things that should be in a time capsule?  Have you ever created or opened a time capsule?

Tell us all about creating a blast from the past! 

1. Potato Chips - I think it might be salty things in general, but any one who can eat one potato chip should be on a watch list in my opinion.

2. M&M's - I mention this one specifically (even though it is pretty obvious) because I have a friend who eats one M&M a day. It's some sort of demonstration of "discipline" - I call it masochism.

3. Cashews - I discovered this while on my low carb diet. Nuts are a good source of protein and low in saturated fats plus they have all kinds of good stuff in them. But I can't just have 1 or 2...I always keep going back for more of those suckers.

4. Jellybeans - Any one who has experienced Easter should be able to attest to this! 1 jellybean leads to another which leads to the whole dish being empty. If you hadn't noticed, while most other candies are offered in "fun size", you cannot find tiny bags of jellybeans...because riots and civil unrest would rule!!

5. Fudge - In my opinion, fudge is proof of the devil. Fresh, creamy, decadent fudge. One little square? Please!

6. Carrots - I betcha didn't expect to see a veggie on the list! This is especially true if you have some ranch dip for the little guys. They are crunchy, refreshing, and nutritious so you almost feel obligated to eat more than one.

7. Nutella - 1 spoonful is the qualifier here. You're supposed to eat Nutella ON things (which I do) but I like Nutella best on my tongue off a spoon. And I always say "just one lil spoonful" which turns into one lil spoonful plus three more bigger ones.

8. Scoop of icecream - They have invented tiny, little, one serving cups of icecream that they sell in the stores now. I always eat two at a time. Bastards.

9. Pizza - One slice of pizza to kill the hunger. The second slice is just for the taste!

10. French Fries - I always hate it when someone asks me if they can "have a fry" because no, no you cannot have a fry. You will eat many fries off my plate and that is just not acceptable. No!

As a child, nothing was more exciting to me than the Christmas Stocking. Perhaps it is the characteristic of a little girl, but I simply loved all of the "little treasures" and how there was seemingly no end to the tiny trinkets! My mom, er, I mean Santa even took the time to wrap even the most minute of stocking gifts, adding to the mystery.

I received socks (pretty ones, multi-colored - often with decorations like bows and ruffles), hair barrettes, tiny nail polishes, the occasional charm for a bracelet, a fancy lollipop, the sacred chocolate Santa, stickers, pretty pencils, tiny stuffed animals, perfume, lip gloss, markers, crayons, bouncy balls, and glitter! A virtual girly treasure trove!

I still like finding trinkets in my stocking if someone remembers to throw in a few.

But it can be a lot harder (and more expensive) to give an adult a virtual treasure trove.

What are your stocking stuffer ideas?

Gone are the days of a simple mouse and his girlfriend in a Red, polka-dot dress. Disney is no longer just princesses and dwarfs, cheery music and happy endings. It has moved into the 21st century with Pixar movies that entertain adults (sometimes even more than children).

The characters are still lovable, the music is still hummable, the colors still vibrant, the stories still childlike, the morals are still American, and the history is still a bit skewed. But Disney can still make a great movie.

What is your favorite Animated Disney movie?

Around this time is when I begin getting excited for Christmas. There are a variety of celebrations from the most religious to the the most secular. I am not religious anymore, but I grew up going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and enjoying all of the other secular events that make Christmas fun.

What is your favorite part of the holiday?

If you give a liberal a cookie, then they'll want to know if it's organic.

If you tell them it's organic, they'll definitely want another cookie.

If you give them another cookie, they'll want a glass of organic milk.

If you tell them you have no milk, they'll accuse you of being greedy.

If you point out that you just gave them two cookies, they'll accuse you of being racist.

If you point out that you are both white, they'll laugh at your lack of compassion.

If you point out that laughing at someone is a lack of compassion, they'll probably feel guilty.

If they feel guilty, they will offer your one of the cookies you just gave them.

If they still feel guilty after giving you one of their cookies, they'll give you one of someone else's cookies.

If they still feel guilty after giving you someone else's cookie, they'll set up a program that gives you one cookie a month for two years.

But you'll have to pay for it every month for 10 years....even if you don't eat cookies.

And that is why you should never give a Liberal a cookie!

If you give a Conservative a cookie. Then they're gonna wanna know who made it.

If you tell them who made it, they'll want to know if they're Union.

If you tell them that they're Union, they'll think they paid too much for the cookie.

If you point out that you GAVE them the cookie, they'll be afraid they've accepted welfare.

If they think they've accepted welfare, they'll want to give the cookie away as charity.

If they give the cookie away as charity, they'll want the cookie-receiver to accept Jesus as their Saviour.

If they accept Jesus as their Savior, they'll want to celebrate.

If they want to celebrate, they'll want a cookie.

If they want a cookie, they'll take it back from the person they just gave it to whom recently accepted Jesus as their Savior.

And that is why you should never give a Conservative a cookie!

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It gets your metabolism going and prevents you from snacking (sure, okay).

What do Newsviners eat for breakfast?

"What a lame ass movie this is...22 freakin' dollars for this @!$%#? She said it was about vampires - aren't vampires supposed to be scary?...not some dopey high school kid with mood swings?...I shoulda...wait...is that her hand?......damn it is her hand!"
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Kids are finally in bed. What a long, miserable day. Sheets are clean though, that's nice. Man, I'm wide awake!! Stupid, stupid, stupid...
"How about a massage, honey?"
A massage? What's that? ...Oh yeah...man, that feels good...alright, alright, I'll take off my shirt....
Oooo...I love it when he kisses me there...and there. Oh! I don't know...I'm so tired...
"Kiss my neck." Yeah, that feels good. Mmmm...glad I remembered to brush my teeth....
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Foreplay. Sometimes it's subtle, a quick kiss, a brush of his fingers against your cheek. Sometimes, it's obvious, a grab your face - make you weak in the knees kiss; a firm grasp of your waist and dirty talk that only you can hear. Sometimes, it's has nothing to do with sex - he surprised you by washing the dishes, the kid's are at grandma's, or she surprises you at the office for lunch, ahem, lunch I said!

Once you get the green light, a lot of people jump right to the finish line. But what happened to getting it in gear? Fastening your safety belt? Settting the radio? There is a lot more to forplay than just getting the other person to agree to take it off.

Everyone has a favorite spot to tease. Do you know your partner's favorite spot(s)? Is it a kiss, lick, pinch, or touch that does it? How much attention does their body need before you can know you'l reach your destination?

If foreplay is a race, I intend on coming in last place.....