Avoid being the next headline in the Huffingtonpost: "Crappy parents asked to leave place because of wailing toddler." - introducing the new "Sorry I Had to Bring My Kid on This Flight" Gift Bags!

These handy totes come with everything you need to help keep your fellow passengers from strangling you or your little one.  Instantly reduce dirty looks and heavy sighs!  Significant reduction of eye rolling and scoffing!

Each gift bag contains:

A box of chocolates (pass around and hope everyone in your vicinity falls into a diabetic coma)

An eye mask (they can roll their eyes without you seeing!)

Four sets of ear plugs (for the passengers on either side and in front and back of you and your hellion)

A puppet (for the passenger in front of you who wants to make your hellion smile)

Two mini bottles of Vodka (one for you and one for the crankiest passenger)

A list of 10 annoying things adults do that children have to tolerate (read aloud - maybe even get the flight attendant to read over loud speaker)

Roll of Duct tape (if things get really out of hand, show duct tape to passengers and offer to tape your hellion to the chair - respond accordingly)

And there you have it, folks!  Look for your "Sorry I Had to Bring My Kid on This Flight" Gift Bag at your local retailer or ask your flight attendant about one today!

God is always referred to as a male.  The Almighty "He".

Adam (man) was created in God's image.  Man has a penis.  God had a son.  Most people who make a son have a penis.  Or, at least, the baby making stuff normally comes out of one.

Does God have a penis?

If so, why?  Does he urinate?  Why would God need to go to the bathroom?

Does he have sex?  If so, with whom?

These are important questions that should be addressed in the bible.  Inquiring minds want to know...

I've tried being healthy, I've tried being nice. 

I've tried getting lucky with Las Vegas dice.

This year will be different.  I keep saying that.

With a nod and a wink and an atta-boy pat.

But now I am finished with the good karma waltz.

And trying to fix the world's obvious faults.

Better to join 'em when you can't beat 'em they say.

That is the good ol' American way.

And I think they're on to something that's grand.

A "@!$%# you" is easier than lending a hand.

So here's to a new year that's all about me.

The army's for being all you can be.

I just wanna laugh and have fun.

Live and take and play with my son.

The Selfish people I know are happy and free.

Think I can't do it?  I guess we'll see.

Me. me. me. me. me. me. me.

"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities." - Jean Houston

Laughter really can be the best medicine.  Especially if the sickness is taking yourself too seriously.  Not all of us can tell a good joke and not all of us can appreciate a good joke.  The concept is subjective.  But we've all found something hilarious.  We've all shared an inside joke with a friend.

Humor is a way to open someone's heart to new ideas.  Many comedians have utilized laughter to get people to see the ridiculousness of politics, war, fighting, relationships, and anger.  We laugh because we can relate.  And when we laugh, we don't take ourselves so seriously.  And, for a moment, we're more open to different ideas and more accepting of different ideas.  Alas, it only lasts a second, but it's worth it!

And that is why comedians and humor and laughter are around to stay.  Thank goodness!

There are many health benefits to laughter.  Something about the release of certain chemicals in the brain.  However, what more do you need to know than it feels great?

Laughter is universal.  Even babies laugh. 

So the next time a friend calls you with a problem or heavy heart, invite them over for a cup of tea (or Long Island Iced Tea!) and pop in a stand-up routine.  Even if they're not very good.  That is a joke all in itself.

Laugh on, my friends.  Laugh on...

They don't do anything useful, but we still have to live by their rules.

Everything takes longer when they're involved.

If we turn our backs for a second, they get into trouble.

Half of our pay check goes to them before we even see it.

We have to fix the things THEY break.

They have a lot to say, but none of it makes sense.

They wear nicer clothes than we do.

We make a big deal out of their tiny accomplishments.

They're extremely proud of their tiny accomplishments.

They're content to sit on their asses all day.

They whine when they don't get their way.

No matter the situation - they think it's all about them.

When you think you finally have them figured out, they change.

We're not surprised when they're bald and have no teeth.

Just when you start to enjoy them, you realize they're full of @!$%#.

10) "Wait Till Your Father Gets Home!" is a classic.  It was popularized in the 50's when a father's only job was to beat the @!$%# out of his kids when they misbehaved.  And if you uttered this early enough in the day, you could have a nice fear-induced quiet for the remainder of the afternoon!

9) "One more bite" is for the picky eaters or anyone who just doesn't like your meatloaf recipe.  The fun with this one is that you can always say it, even if the kid has eaten quite a bit already.  Maybe you had a crappy day at work and you want to take it out on someone who is still blissfully carefree.  Just when they start to get up from the table, you can stop them with an "uh-uh-uh.  One more bite, mister."  It lets them know who's boss.

8) "I'll give you something to cry about" is sort of an empty threat these days thanks to CPS.  But it can be used as a humorous way of letting a whiny kid know they're about to take it too far.

7) "When I was your age..." is a phrase that doesn't even need an ending.  You can use this to clear the room when the game just started.

6) "Nice to meet you, Hungry" is what my parents said to me when I complained I was hungry.  It was annoying enough that it bought my mother another 20 minutes to make dinner.  You might even get 30 minutes extra if you shake the kid's hand as you say it.  That always really pissed me off.  

5) "1...2..." you better not get to 3 or their ass is grass.  The trick to this one is that, the first time, you have to get to 3 and then give some sort of punishment.  And it better be a pretty tortuous one because if it is, from then on...1...2...and BAM! your kid is hustling!

4) "Lights out" because it's bedtime!  My mom used to put me to bed when the sun was still out.  Sure, it was majorly lame, but it also meant I could read in bed!  You can decide how crazy you want to be about bed time: from the extreme "your eyes have to be closed and you have to be laying down, snoring" to the more relaxed attitude my mom had.  She just had one rule: keep your butt in the bed until morning.  That provides a lot of lee way and my brother and I imagined our beds were rafts floating down a river...a dungeon high above a fire pit...an island surrounded by hot lava...a magical cave of wonders!  Bedtime was fun and mom could catch up on her soaps and order @!$%# from HSN.  Win-win.

3) "What do you say??" is the universal manners-teaching-phrase.  The fill-in-the-blank answer to this one could be please, thank you, ma'am, sir, or any combination of those words and "yes" or "no" in front.  Be sure to raise your eye brows as they serve as implied multiple question marks.  You can tap your foot as well if you're the mom.

2) "Because I said so" made spot #2 because it can definitely be over-used.  Some adults think it is funny to use as the answer for everything, but that cheapens this otherwise very useful phrase.  There is a difference between a legitimate question and purposeful dilly-dallying.  You know the difference.  Only use this phrase for the latter and you're golden.  Use it for both cases and you're a joke, pops.

and the #1 useful parenting phrase is....

(drum roll, please....)

.

.

.

.

1) "Do what your mother/father says" is my my pick for the #1 useful parenting phrase.  It lets your kid know that, in this family - together or divorced, it's two adults united against you, kid!  You don't stand a chance!  It is a 2-for-1 deal because this phrase tells a kid you BOTH mean business and it also let's the other parent know you got their back.  You want to talk about building goodwill?  This phrase is like Viagra for dads and a 2-hour massage for moms!  If you're divorced, you might even get the other parent to pass-out with this phrase...lawsuits are dropped...the Heavens open up!  So the next time you hear Junior arguing about whether to pick up his dirty socks or Princess whining that she doesn't want to brush her teeth.  Shout out this #1 useful parenting phrase from the den or the kitchen and make your partner's day!

A cross between a cookie and a cake, the brownie was introduced to the United States in the late 19th century at an 1893 Columbian Exposition in Chicago, IL. A dessert that was smaller than a cake and could be handed out with boxed lunches was requested and the brownie was born - with apricots and walnuts originally.

Since then, Betty Crocker and suburban mothers everywhere have perfected recipes across their kitchens. There are an assortment of appropriate toppings (namely, nuts and/or frosting) and treats you can hide in the middle of brownies (candy bars and peppermint patties).

Some brownies are thick and cake-like. Some are thinner and chewy. The 60's saw the introduction of the Pot Brownie for which even teens today can tell you the recipe. Blondies are brownies with yellow streaks and there are also "fudge" brownies which are a variation of the chewy ones. And have you ever seen brownie pops? They're bite-size brownies on top of a stick and dipped in icing.

And let's not forget Brownie a la mode! And what about Ben & Jerry? I can't comment on brownies without mentioning Ben, Jerry, & their half-baked icecream flavor that includes generous gobs of brownie batter! Hey you! Go grab a napkin and wipe the drool off your mouth. People in the office are staring!

So we know brownies are delightful treats that most everyone loves, but I'm not just here to sing brownie praises, I'm here to settle a debate.

There is a product on the market that claims to create an entire pan of "perfect" brownies. They accomplish this by making a tray of brownies that are all edges. Edges! Now, in every brownie debacle I have been in, there is always one clown who likes the edges. And the rest of us appreciate this person because then we can get to the warm, gooey, slightly underbaked middle bars that are truly perfect.

I have written a letter of complaint to the makers of Perfect Pan explaining that they are ruining a generation of brownie eaters and must be stopped. I hope this important issue will be addressed by them soon. I have also submitted a letter to President Barack Obama. I don't need to see his birth certificate, but I must know that he is a rational person and agrees that the middle bars of a brownie pan are better...

and while edge-lovers are appreciated and necessary, they are not the majority and therefore are subject to questioning by higher authorities.

What do you think?

Inevitably, when my husband and I are watching the latest, blow 'em up, alien-invading, travel to Mars, superhero, magical power, spell-casting, blood-sucking, girl chasing Hollywood flick - my husband will chime in after the main character jumps 45ft through the air, smashes through a window of an office unscathed, rolls through a fire unburned, rips off his fake human flesh to reveal he is an alien, and then launches himself into a black hole only to fight his way out - saying "HEY! You can't climb out of a black hole! So stupid..."

As if any previous part of the film had been based in reality. I hear phrases like "a girl like that would never even look at him" or "he's not a real vampire because they burn in the sun" or "it's unrealistic because you can't land on an asteroid". Um, have we suddenly forgotten the meaning of the word "fiction"? As in, make-believe. As in, didn't actually happen. As in, imagination. As in, whatever the hell you want it to be!?

Now, Fiction can sometimes be classified as "historical fiction" or "realistic fiction" in which a story is not true, but portrays things that could have happened or could happen in real life. However, and this is where some people get lost, fiction can also be anything you want, things that don't exist and defy all natural human laws. Enter -- unicorns, vampires, fairies, wizards, trolls, talking animals, X-men, and of course, living, breathing toys!

However, it appears that all of us have limitations to our imaginations that allow us to accept certain "impossibilities" while openly scoffing at others. The funny thing is how, while calling out an impossibility in a movie or book full of them, the observer feels smug - as if they can shout "Ah ha! I can see how through genetic mutations and stem cell research, talking frogs would make sense, but to think they could develop the strength of a grown man? Hahaha! I call your bluff, Spielberg!"

So, folks, take this as a friendly reminder that fiction is just that and when you're watching a movie or reading a book - anything is possible! Now, that doesn't make a fiction story automatically good or interesting. No, no, no, that is another classification entirely. You cannot, however, dismiss a movie as "bad" because of one impossible component of a million impossible components.

It's unrealistic.

Black, reflective, small, or huge celebrity-style - - everyone looks better in sunglasses. The amount of attractiveness in which your appearance increases varies from person to person, but everyone looks more attractive in sunglasses.

I always reserve judgement for whether someone is pretty or handsome until they remove their shades. I would say attractiveness drops by 10-70% once the shades are removed so you don't want to jump to any conclusions too soon.

Also, when I was single, I refrained from hitting on anyone until I saw them with their sunglasses off. I am, therefore, equally suspricious of anyone who enters the indoors with their shades on and doesn't remove them. What are they trying to hide?

It's odd too because eyes are the "windows to the soul" and since sunglasses make you more attractive that must mean that the soul has little to do with initial attractiveness. Maybe it's the vulnerability of the eyes that makes us uncomfortable?

How do you rate in a good pair of shades? How much better do YOU look behind your specs?

Have you ever seen "Sex in the City" or "Talladega Nights"? Best friends in action!

I currently have no best friend. I'm not sure if a certain personality type is required for the title, but I had them in elementary school, middle school, and high school. As a matter of fact, I probably really only had one best friend ever and that was in high school, but it ended after 3 years in total nastiness that has divided us ever since. We attempted to reconcile twice, but it wasn't possible.

What makes a best friend?

Is there a certain amount of history required before that title can be established?

For me, a best friend has to have the following qualities:

1) A good sense of humor that lends itself to "inside jokes" that can be shared by the two of you.

2) Reliable. They show up when they say they will and don't cancel plans without a good reason.

3) Compassionate...they know your weakness and they don't exploit it.

4) Shared quirky interests; you both like beef jerky and lemonade together!! Egads! Friends for life!

5) Good timing. They know when to give advice, when to let you vent, and when to tell you that you're overreacting.

6) They apologize...when they're wrong.

6a) And forgive you when you're wrong.

7) Location. They're close enough that you can see them in person once in a while.

8) Positive Influence; you admire things about them without being jealous and they help you improve yourself as a result.

Stubbing your toe.

Getting stung by more than 1 bee.

Hitting your shin on the coffee table.

Burning the roof of your mouth on hot pizza.

A paper cut that bleeds.

Overdrawing your bank account.

Waking up late for work/school/your wedding/grandma's funeral.

Running into someone important and forgetting their name.

Realizing your fly is down...at the very end of the day.

Smelling BO and realizing it's you.

Only getting socks for Christmas.

Finding out your spouse is cheating on your with your best friend.

A group of grown politicians who act like fat, greedy babies.

Turbulence on a flight over mountains.

An escaped lion.

A parking ticket.

A pink slip.

A grenade with the pin pulled out.

Finding out someone ate the last of the icecream.

"Eeek!!" I yell at the furry spider next to the toilet, jumping onto it for safety. My heart is beating wildly and I have goosebumps. Great, now I'm stranded in the bathroom until my husband comes by to save me. I adjust my feet on the top of the toilet seat...making sure the hairy beast with 8 legs doesn't try anything fancy...like suddenly bolting from my sight and winding up in my towel as I go to dry off from my shower. I call for my husband to COME QUICK!

Suddenly, I imagine my future 4 year old daughter screaming for me to come to her room. Her dad is at work and when I arrive in her bedroom, I see the same furry spider on her wall. What to do?...what to do? Instill her with an irrational fear for the rest of her life? Allow a dime-sized, harmless arachnid to reduce her to a helpless, 18th century maiden? No! I scoop up the spider in a cup, covering it with a piece of paper...show it to her.

"Spiders are good for the environment. They won't hurt you. Isn't he kinda cute?" I'll say. Then I'll take her outside with me and we'll release him. After we read "Charlotte's Web", I'll tuck her into bed...and then shudder as I take a shower, scrubbing the icky spider cooties off of me like it's moldy cheese and feces!!

So I wasn't stranded in the bathroom for 20 minutes. I wasn't reduced to a helpless, 18th century maiden. I'm also not quite a nature-loving hippie just yet so I didn't capture the furry monster, I smooshed him. But, this is definitely one step closer to capture and release. Today I smoosh spiders, tomorrow - who knows?

What kind of example will I set for my future child? It has certainly given me pause to look at my own personality traits and consider those I hope my child can avoid.

I hope he or she can capture spiders with a laugh at everyone around them who is shrieking...telling them how they're "good for the environment" and "nothing to be afraid of".

What I learned thus far was that pretending not to be afraid has pretty much the same result as actually not being afraid...and so -- sometimes -- it's okay to be kind, be brave, be wise, be cautious, be happy, or be forgiving...even if you're just pretending for the moment. Because, sometimes, the end result is more important than a genuine intention.

I am a girl -er- a woman. I am straight. I am a straight woman.

But I have a girl crush.

She is a teacher at the school where I teach ballet. She teaches hip hop. At first, I was just impressed by her ability to bump n' grind whilst all I can do is twirl n' curtsie. "How bad ass she is!" I thought when I saw her warming up for her class. She laughed at me when I said I thought she was bad ass and we got to talking.

Turns out we're the same age and we both grew up on the East Coast. Somewhere in the midst of polite conversation, I noticed she has really nice hair. No biggie, I might wanna ask her what kinda shampoo she uses, I've done that before.

Next week, I watched the end of her class and we swapped advice on how to manage behavior in the pre-teen age group. Those little tarts can be a handful. She introduced me to her boyfriend who had come to pick her up. She told me to come early for my class the following week and she'd teach me some hip hop moves. I told my husband about her and I realized I described her as "pretty".

Then I got to thinking, yeah, she is pretty. She's a Kristen Stewart meets Angelina Jolie meets Tara Alba. I'm a a little envious of her prettiness...

Next week, she shows me some dance moves and tells me I'm a "natural". She laughs a lot and she's super nice. I tell her I'm jealous of her flat abs, she tells me she's jealous of my flexibility. We agree to coach eachother - she'll show me 8 counts of hip hop and then I'll show her 8 counts of ballet. We're friends!!

Yesterday, boyfriend comes and picks her up again and they kiss in front of me and I think 2 things: 1) Awww! That is so cute! and 2) She has kissable lips.

WTF!? I turn red. Stewart/Jolie/Alba look alike asks me if something is wrong. Ummmm....no, I stammer. I just think I might be gay!!

*sigh* of relief when I tell my husband. "You just have a girl crush is all" he says casually.

What's a girl crush?! What if it gets worse?! Maybe I should avoid her....

The Alot is an imaginary creature that I made up to help me deal with my compulsive need to correct other people's grammar. It kind of looks like a cross between a bear, a yak and a pug, and it has provided hours of entertainment for me in a situation where I'd normally be left feeling angry and disillusioned with the world.

10. When your hand is in my mouth and you're filling a cavity.

9. When I'm in the stall in a public restroom.

8. When no one is there.

7. In the middle of a funeral when the precher just started his sermon.

6. Right after you hear the words "You have the right to remain silent..."

5. When asked "Like my new haircut?!?!"

4. When I just took a bite of my spinach salad.

3. Right when the previews end at the movie theater.

2. When my best friend is in the middle of telling me about her divorce and you are the waiter.

1. When I'm just about to cum...

What are the similarities between the political Tea Party we have the in the U.S. and the Mad Hatter's Tea Party from Alice in Wonderland? Here is Disney's version of Lewis Carroll's classic. How many similarities can you find?
____________________

March Hare & Mad Hatter: No room, no room, no room, no room, no room, no room, no room!

Alice: But I thought there was plenty of room!

March Hare: Ah, but it's very rude to sit down without being invited!

Mad Hatter: I say it's rude. Its very very rude, indeed! Hah!

Dormouse: Very very very rude, indeed...

Alice: Oh, I'm very sorry, but I did enjoy your singing and I wondered if you could tell me...

March Hare: You enjoyed our singing?

Mad Hatter: Oh, what a delightful child! Hah! I'm so excited, we never get compliments! You must have a cup of tea!

March Hare: Ah, yes indeed! The tea, you must have a cup of tea!

Alice: That would be very nice. I'm sorry I interrupted your birthdayparty... uh, thank you.

March Hare: Birthday? Hahaha! My dear child, this is not a birthdayparty!

Mad Hatter: Of course not! Hehehe! This is an unbirthdayparty!

*Happy Unbirthday song*

Mad Hatter: Clean cup, clean cup! Move down!

Alice: But I haven't used my cup!

March Hare: Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down, clean cup, clean cup, move down!

Mad Hatter: Would you like a little more tea?

Alice: Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more...

March Hare: Ahh, you mean you can't very well take less!

Mad Hatter: Yes! You can always take more than nothing!

Alice: But I only meant that...

Mad Hatter: And now, my dear, something seems to be troubling you. Uh, won't you tell us all about it?

March Hare: Start at the beginning.

Mad Hatter: Yes, yes! And when you come to the end, hehehe, stop! See?

*Alice upsets the mouse*

March Hare: See all the trouble you've started?

Alice: But really, I didn't think...

March Hare: Ah, but that's the point! If you don't think, you shouldn't talk!

Mad Hatter: Clean cup! Clean cup! Move down, move down, move down!

Alice: But I still haven't used....

Mad Hatter: Move down, move down, move down, move down...

Mad Hatter: Come, come my dear. hehehe! Don't you care for tea?

Alice: Why, yes, I'm very fond of tea, but...

March Hare: If you don't care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation!

Alice: Well, I've been trying to ask you...

March Hare: I have an excellent idea! Let's change the subject!

Mad Hatter: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Alice: Riddles? Let me see now. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

March Hare: Careful! She's stark raving mad!

Alice: But- but it's your silly riddle! You just said...

March Hare: How about a nice cup of tea?

Alice: A nice cup of tea, indeed! Well, I'm sorry, but I just haven't the time!

March Hare: The time, the time! Who's got the time?
______________________________________________________

Alice in Wonderland Characters invade America:

Alice - the general public; the Tea Party is a weird world where nothing means what you think it means. The partiers claim you're invited while insulting your sensibilities. They have a lot to say, but what they say has little basis in reality

The Caterpillar - Keith Oberman, Jon Stewart, Colbert, your friends at the pub: If you're lost in Wonderland and feel like you're the only sane one left in the country, these characters will help you navigate through this twisted world. With a laugh, a jab, and a harsh look at all the maddness they tell the truth and don't care who it offends!

Cheshire Cat - Darla Dawald and all those partiers! Folks like these know the rules of Wonderland. They appear, disappear, and reappear wherever they're "needed" or it suits their purpose. Pay attention and they'll tell you the rules and regulations of their world. They don't always make sense, but damn it if they're not consistent!

Mad Hatter - Michael Steele, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh: Mad, cult-like followers who spout what seems like nonsense. Ask one of the Cheshire cats to interpret, it all makes sense to them!

Queen of Hearts - Sarah Palin: The violent, aggressive tyrant of Wonderland. Don't cross her or it's "Off with your head!!"

White Rabbit - The democrats and Obama: Keep following these folks and you'll eventually get out of Wonderland. The white rabbit is the only one brave enough to stand up to the Queen of Hearts.

Feminism is killing me. How about you?